Too fat … too thin … when will it end?

I may actually have some pretty weird views on this. I have been 115lbs and I have been over 180lbs. There’s fat shaming but there’s also skinny shaming – neither is right.

I’m also tired of feeling like some amount of “self-acceptance” has started making me complacent on exercise which is really not what I want. Acceptance of yourself shouldn’t mean you get cart blanc to be unhealthy.

I WANT to be more muscular. I WANT to feel even better. I WANT to be thinner because my body felt better at least a little bit lighter.


Bottom line – self acceptance should be overall about health and not simple weight or size. Is the media to blame? Not entirely. I like pretty images of people … does that make me a bad person? No. Do I aspire to be them? No. Does wanting to be thinner make me a bad person? No. I aspire to be the best ME I can be. (Oh dear, I’ve just become an after school special there…) 

I was 115lbs and unhealthy in high school… Should teens know that the images in magazines are photoshopped and unrealistic? ABSO-freaking-LUTELY!!! Should we force magazines to stop photoshopping? I say no. But I told you about my high school weight for another reason. I wasn’t unhealthy because of my weight. I was unhealthy because of my allergies and how often I would get bronchitis. I tried everything my doctors and allergists suggested with no progress. I later made changes that had nothing to do with my weight and was able to by and large resolve those health issues. 115lbs or 180 lbs, I had allergies until I made some very specific diet and lifestyle changes. Yes I still get sick sometimes but I’m not dealing with allergies spiraling out of control and getting bronchitis for 4 weeks at a time anymore.

This post isn’t about my allergies though. But I’m throwing it out there because our bodies function synergistically and every change you make can potentially throw something else off balance. Too little sleep, too much stress, not enough exercise, not enough sunlight, too much food, too little food, even too much exercise. It’s ALL a factor.


What I want to talk about today is being healthy. Being the BEST that you can be. And self acceptance.

But not the kind of self acceptance that says “hey, go ahead and skip all of your workouts. You are good. You look fine.” Seriously – you should hear my brain justifying why it’s ok to skip doing things I know I need to do. I do LOOK ok. That’s just it. Just OK. And skipping doing things I know are HEALTHY for me.

And there are parts of me that don’t feel ok. My lower back for example. Even if that’s not hurting because of my current weight, it would at least feel better if my core was stronger. And some of those things would feel better if I for example just walked 30-60 minutes 3-5x per week. 30 minutes 3x per week!!

It is NOT ok to be THAT self accepting to skip a simple walk! I want goals. Oh and if I want to look smoking hot, that’s MY decision right?! I don’t want people saying that I should be self accepting when I know I’m not being the best I WANT to be! YES I accept my body as it is now. I don’t hate my body like some women do. I do not feel trapped in my body wishing for someone else’s. And I really never have.

Let’s step back to that 115 lbs in high school for a minute. That’s NOT some sort of weight goal but I do want to mention that I was a dancer (ballet, tap, jazz etc.) I went to dance competitions. Living in that world you know anorexia and bulimia exist. I made some sort of conscious decision that I would NOT ever give up food simply to lose weight. I LOVE food. And I also made a conscious decision that I would never be bulimic either. Let’s get something straight here, anorexia and bulimia, are NEVER healthy. Anyone who has taken weight loss to this level needs to seek help even if you haven’t hit a point where you are doing permanent damage.

I also want you all to know that even when you are skinny (or worse, a perfectly acceptable and healthy weight) it’s possible someone will STILL call you fat. Or imply that you are fat. It just happens. You just have to ignore them and chalk it up to their body issues instead of making them your own. Whether it’s a teacher or a well meaning relative – it’s possible that someone will say something like “maybe you should stop eating so many empty calories” or “stop jumping around at the pool, your thighs might jiggle.” Seriously?!? Muscle can jiggle and part of the point of going to the pool was to have fun. Get over it already!! Enjoy the moment!! LIVE NOW. Always be present!

So… what if you clearly weight more than me? Am I implying something here?

No. No. No. No. No!!!!

Here’s where I have a hard time on this discussion. I have some friends who are actually medically overweight. Who have had health problems due to their weight. Who ARE actively trying to lose weight. Who have been insulted by other gym goers. Who have even had their doctors tell them they need to start exercising (without even asking them if they are already going to the gym regularly.) If you know you have a weight issue, this is not meant to say that people don’t need to start trying to understand you more or that I don’t accept you as you are. People can be cruel. Your doctors might even need a reality check.

Weight can often be a temporary state of being, but ultimately it does not define WHO a person is. Your personality, how you treat other people, what you achieve in life is more important than a number on the scale.

We are all on different paths.

This just means I want to make changes that I need to for myself. Because I can and I should. I don’t need to apologize for this and I promise to try and not make you feel bad along the way.

So has this been talked to death? Yes.

BOTTOM LINE: I want to be THINNER than I am right now. I’m OK with who I am right now but I want to be BETTER. More FIT. HEALTHIER. AND I’m GOING to make this happen!!

If you’re not happy with how you feel physically, complaining doesn’t fix that, action and change does. I AM ME but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a BETTER ME. 


So what does that have to do with this blog?

This is NOT going to be a shift in focus on this blog. It’s NOT going to be a fitness / weight loss blog. HOWEVER you may start seeing some more fitness outfits and gear showing up here. And I will be using this to keep me more accountable and motivated.

  • Why? Because I need to get fit and lose a few pounds.
  • Why? Because my back hurts more than it really should. Worse sometimes than others.
  • But Why? I know that being stronger, more muscular and having less weight to be supported by my structure will reduce that problem.
  • Is that all? I can’t say I won’t be happier looking better in a bathing suit because that would be a lie.

Clothes are fun whether they are for work, play or working out. Clothes can set the mood for accomplishing things. No one wants to accomplish things when they feel frumpy and blah.


Additional articles worth reading: 


Lucy Perfect Core Women’s X-Training Pant

Lucy Activewear Free Shipping on $125+ (pnls photo)

Full disclosure: This is NOT a paid post (nor were the pants sent to me) but the ad to the left is an affiliate link. The pants were purchased via which I will also be reviewing in this post.

Lucy Fit guide:,default,pg.html

Sizing: I bought the Large short and they fit as expected. Make sure you measure your inseam to decide whether you need the regular or short. I was on the fence about sizes so I ordered up because of the compression (I sometimes wear a medium, sometimes a large.)

Fabric: The material is amazingly soft while not being too loose or see through. The quality is impressive. The seams are done such that they won’t rub or chafe. The material after the first wash still looks new; no pilling, no fuzz. These are not your average yoga pants. But for almost $90 (more on that in a minute) they should be better and they do meet that expectation.

Where I personally have a problem is the “strategically-placed mesh insets on the abdominals and lower back.” While this is intended to “remind you to keep your core engaged while it smoothes and shapes,” because I have some chronic lower back problems, it irritated my back. Not while simply wearing them but after a workout I felt like that area of my body had been worked out a little too much too quickly. I don’t want to get into exact medical details on this blog but let’s just say I’ve had problems and I’ve seen chiropractors.

This means it will be excellent for most people but if tight things near your lower back make your back hurt, you might want to pass on these pants.

Since I have had some pretty scary situations with my lower back, I’m actually going to sell these pants on ebay. Honestly I was really disappointed that my lower back was going to make me give these up so I will probably research and buy something else from Lucy soon because I really like the quality – if not pants then maybe a top.

I don’t need to be on top of trends when it comes to exercise wear so I will probably buy again through just in respect to discounts and because they often will have at least a few clearance Lucy items.

So on to a quick review of

  • You do have to sign up and create an account in order to be able to even shop.
  • You do NOT have to buy anything or deal with any monthly charges like birchbox or deal with “skip month” options like jewelmint.
  • This is considered a flash sale site but it tends to be made up of clearance items from top brands. That said, it’s still top brands and they are heavily discounted.
  • They do send several enewsletters per week. Usually announcing new products or a featured product category.

I was able to get the Lucy Perfect Core X-trainer yoga pants for $39.98 plus $7.98 S&H. That may still be the most I’ve ever spent on a pair of yoga pants but that is a DEEP discount from their original $89 price tag. The newer Perfect Core pants are $98!

Shipping both times I’ve ordered from them has been fairly prompt. I’m not sure I would schedule a vacation around an order arriving at an exact date and time but I would say they are fairly quick and timely. The packaging was good and there were no hassles.

If you love good deals on fitness gear, definitely go check them out:

Shop online with H&M – now possible in the US
& my wishlist

Well people have been waiting for this for awhile – the ability to shop online with H&M in the US and it’s now possible. So I decided to go give the site a quick look through and create a shopping wishlist. What I ended up with is a lot of basics I don’t really need at this exact moment … but might buy sometime soon because they’re still basics. I think the other reason I’m not chomping at the bit to buy something is that all of the clothes are in dark colors and I’m still in a bright summery mood. Anyway here goes:


  1. H&M Top $9.95 in Khaki Green (or black or white or grey …they’re super basic shirts and they’re cheap.) Fitted 95% pima cotton, 5% spandex Art.No. 75-0329. I like the v-neck shirts too but I need more shirts with this neckline at the moment.
  2. H&M Top in Slub Jersey $9.95 in grey (or red … other color options too) loose fitting. 88% cotton, 12% rayon. Art.No. 75-4225
  3. H&M Jersey Tank Top $5.95 in white – I need a couple more white tanks for under certain items. Not likely to go wrong with these even though my favorite tank is from Chico’s. 95% cotton, 5% spandex. Art.No. 74-5150
  4. H&M Sports Leggings $24.95 in black – I just need some new crop yoga pants and these look like a match for what I like. I’m a little iffy thought because I think I would rather have cotton spandex than poly spandex. Quick-dry, 88% polyester, 12% spandex. Art.No. 73-7039
  5. H&M Sports Bra $14.95 in neon pink and neon green. These look dead on like the Champion sports bras I love (and haven’t seen since I bought the two I own.) Same price as what I bought previously too. Quick-dry, 95% nylon, 5% spandex. Art.No. 73-7068

So yes, my H&M wishlist is rather boring. Mostly I would be likely to buy basic tshirts from H&M but that’s pretty much what I’ve always wanted to buy from them I think.

I hate spending money on tshirts because they seem like such a crapshoot. I’ve purchased $30 shirts before that pill after the first wash and $5 (not on sale) shirts that have stood the test of time and numerous washes. Oh and then there’s still the likelihood that my cat will poke a hole in the shirt dooming it to it’s remaining days to be a workout or sleep shirt.

What’s on your H&M shopping or wishlist?

Quick review:
Victoria’s Secret Daily Crop Legging

I was trying to buy a replacement for the Victoria’s Secret leggings / yoga pants I have loved and worn since 2010. I’ve been wearing regularly to sleep in and sometimes wear to yoga class. They were a good quality materials but they are now literally coming apart at the seams now with regular wear so I needed to buy replacements.

What I had no longer existed by name and number so I compared and shopped and shopped and compared and finally settled on two pairs of ZF-289992 or #289-981 the VS “Daily Crop Legging” in black. What I had didn’t have the foldover top which these matched.

They also showed the modal wearing a long shirt and say:  “Live in leggings? So do we. That’s because this sleek, chic knit is so much more than a legging. It’s a want-it-now, need-it-in-every-color, go-everywhere essential. Slip it on under almost any layer: it’s as soft and comfy as your favorite tee.”

So where’s my review? It’s fairly short. They’re see through!!!! My favorite tshirts are not so thin they’re see through like this. And I don’t mean I bought a size too small and they stretched see-through. I also don’t mean VPL because I’m wearing granny panties see-through either.

When I say they’re see-though I mean you can see the COLOR of my underwear through black! (Which is also why I’m not showing you pictures!!!)

I know that what I loved I had bought two years ago but these looked like the same style and they were a similar price point and most of Victoria’s Secret’s products haven’t changed price much so I really thought I would be getting something comparable.

So sure, if you want tights with no feet to go under a dress or tunic, these are soft and nice. If you were looking for something less see-through then don’t buy these.

So taking these back and I’m back to the drawing board… probably not from VS this time.  :/

PS – I bought a pair of clearance undies too … when did they start putting an obnoxiously long tag in the FRONT? Or was that why they were clearance?

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