Too fat … too thin … when will it end?

I may actually have some pretty weird views on this. I have been 115lbs and I have been over 180lbs. There’s fat shaming but there’s also skinny shaming – neither is right.

I’m also tired of feeling like some amount of “self-acceptance” has started making me complacent on exercise which is really not what I want. Acceptance of yourself shouldn’t mean you get cart blanc to be unhealthy.

I WANT to be more muscular. I WANT to feel even better. I WANT to be thinner because my body felt better at least a little bit lighter.


Bottom line – self acceptance should be overall about health and not simple weight or size. Is the media to blame? Not entirely. I like pretty images of people … does that make me a bad person? No. Do I aspire to be them? No. Does wanting to be thinner make me a bad person? No. I aspire to be the best ME I can be. (Oh dear, I’ve just become an after school special there…) 

I was 115lbs and unhealthy in high school… Should teens know that the images in magazines are photoshopped and unrealistic? ABSO-freaking-LUTELY!!! Should we force magazines to stop photoshopping? I say no. But I told you about my high school weight for another reason. I wasn’t unhealthy because of my weight. I was unhealthy because of my allergies and how often I would get bronchitis. I tried everything my doctors and allergists suggested with no progress. I later made changes that had nothing to do with my weight and was able to by and large resolve those health issues. 115lbs or 180 lbs, I had allergies until I made some very specific diet and lifestyle changes. Yes I still get sick sometimes but I’m not dealing with allergies spiraling out of control and getting bronchitis for 4 weeks at a time anymore.

This post isn’t about my allergies though. But I’m throwing it out there because our bodies function synergistically and every change you make can potentially throw something else off balance. Too little sleep, too much stress, not enough exercise, not enough sunlight, too much food, too little food, even too much exercise. It’s ALL a factor.


What I want to talk about today is being healthy. Being the BEST that you can be. And self acceptance.

But not the kind of self acceptance that says “hey, go ahead and skip all of your workouts. You are good. You look fine.” Seriously – you should hear my brain justifying why it’s ok to skip doing things I know I need to do. I do LOOK ok. That’s just it. Just OK. And skipping doing things I know are HEALTHY for me.

And there are parts of me that don’t feel ok. My lower back for example. Even if that’s not hurting because of my current weight, it would at least feel better if my core was stronger. And some of those things would feel better if I for example just walked 30-60 minutes 3-5x per week. 30 minutes 3x per week!!

It is NOT ok to be THAT self accepting to skip a simple walk! I want goals. Oh and if I want to look smoking hot, that’s MY decision right?! I don’t want people saying that I should be self accepting when I know I’m not being the best I WANT to be! YES I accept my body as it is now. I don’t hate my body like some women do. I do not feel trapped in my body wishing for someone else’s. And I really never have.

Let’s step back to that 115 lbs in high school for a minute. That’s NOT some sort of weight goal but I do want to mention that I was a dancer (ballet, tap, jazz etc.) I went to dance competitions. Living in that world you know anorexia and bulimia exist. I made some sort of conscious decision that I would NOT ever give up food simply to lose weight. I LOVE food. And I also made a conscious decision that I would never be bulimic either. Let’s get something straight here, anorexia and bulimia, are NEVER healthy. Anyone who has taken weight loss to this level needs to seek help even if you haven’t hit a point where you are doing permanent damage.

I also want you all to know that even when you are skinny (or worse, a perfectly acceptable and healthy weight) it’s possible someone will STILL call you fat. Or imply that you are fat. It just happens. You just have to ignore them and chalk it up to their body issues instead of making them your own. Whether it’s a teacher or a well meaning relative – it’s possible that someone will say something like “maybe you should stop eating so many empty calories” or “stop jumping around at the pool, your thighs might jiggle.” Seriously?!? Muscle can jiggle and part of the point of going to the pool was to have fun. Get over it already!! Enjoy the moment!! LIVE NOW. Always be present!

So… what if you clearly weight more than me? Am I implying something here?

No. No. No. No. No!!!!

Here’s where I have a hard time on this discussion. I have some friends who are actually medically overweight. Who have had health problems due to their weight. Who ARE actively trying to lose weight. Who have been insulted by other gym goers. Who have even had their doctors tell them they need to start exercising (without even asking them if they are already going to the gym regularly.) If you know you have a weight issue, this is not meant to say that people don’t need to start trying to understand you more or that I don’t accept you as you are. People can be cruel. Your doctors might even need a reality check.

Weight can often be a temporary state of being, but ultimately it does not define WHO a person is. Your personality, how you treat other people, what you achieve in life is more important than a number on the scale.

We are all on different paths.

This just means I want to make changes that I need to for myself. Because I can and I should. I don’t need to apologize for this and I promise to try and not make you feel bad along the way.

So has this been talked to death? Yes.

BOTTOM LINE: I want to be THINNER than I am right now. I’m OK with who I am right now but I want to be BETTER. More FIT. HEALTHIER. AND I’m GOING to make this happen!!

If you’re not happy with how you feel physically, complaining doesn’t fix that, action and change does. I AM ME but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a BETTER ME. 


So what does that have to do with this blog?

This is NOT going to be a shift in focus on this blog. It’s NOT going to be a fitness / weight loss blog. HOWEVER you may start seeing some more fitness outfits and gear showing up here. And I will be using this to keep me more accountable and motivated.

  • Why? Because I need to get fit and lose a few pounds.
  • Why? Because my back hurts more than it really should. Worse sometimes than others.
  • But Why? I know that being stronger, more muscular and having less weight to be supported by my structure will reduce that problem.
  • Is that all? I can’t say I won’t be happier looking better in a bathing suit because that would be a lie.

Clothes are fun whether they are for work, play or working out. Clothes can set the mood for accomplishing things. No one wants to accomplish things when they feel frumpy and blah.


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